Shitty Shit Harper Did

Don't worry, we're not turning this into a political blog but with the election around the corner I just had to post this.

We here at Uncivilized Review are by no means little hipsters that pretend to have a political stance/view. But I do believe in voting so when the time comes I'll take 5 minutes out of my day and vote.

I do know that I think Harper looks shitty and does shitty things. So I'll vote for anyone BUT that fag. I no longer want to see his shitty pickled face with his hair that looks like it's molded out of plastic and dead cats.

If you want to skip the video (which I do not advise you do) and go straight to the site then click here.

Pissin' on yo Steps!

We've all been downtown on a Friday night hopping between bars when the sudden urge to take a piss hits you. Since you most likely broke "the seal" at a fine establishment earlier in the evening there's no holding this one back and this includes the ladies as well (don't pretend you haven't taken a quick squat in a sketchy alley).

I recently had a night out with some friends and one of my fine comrades showed me an amazing trick to get away with urinating in public. I have only seen this performed by a guy so I'm not sure if it would work for the women out there, but that doesn't mean you can't give it a shot. Maybe make a few modifications to this method and let us know how it worked out. Hopefully you didn't get thrown in the patty wagon.

A quick note before I get started, this isn't an original move. I'm not trying to take credit for originality but instead just doing my part to spread the word. There are plenty of tutorials on YouTube and other fine sites on the internets. 

Alright so the first step is to locate a newspaper box, you can probably use a flyer if its only thing near by, and take one out. I suggest the Georgia Straight since this has been proven to be quite effective. Second step is to roll that puppy up so it looks like you're just casually cruising the streets with a rolled up newspaper in your hands (very inconspicuous).

Next, locate a public pay phone or use your cell phone, but I suggest a pay phone since it looks legit (trust me). Quickly unzip and unbutton your pants and stick your dick in the paper so it's completely concealed from any suspicious eyes and just let your bladder flow. While you're taking your piss pick up the horn and just start yelling. Act like your some boss yelling at your cronies for fucking up a major cocaine deal with Frankie across the way.

Imagine you're actually talking to someone otherwise it may sound like you suffer from Tourette's. I can't stress this enough, make the convo look legit because it's the key to distracting any passer-by's or police as the stream of urine flows out the other end of the newspaper. The yelling should make anyone in the close vicinity uncomfortable enough with your angry presence that they speed up their walk past you.

Once you have emptied your bladder, toss the paper in the garbage and continue on your journey to drunken debauchery.

D-D-D-Daysted!!!

Here's a Top Ten for you people wanting to hit the bottle during the chipper mid-day hours. Quit racking your brain and stumbling into Earls for a mediocre experience.

10. Granville Bowling Lanes ~ Located in a dark underground pit, it's a great place to have fun and remain unseen by those pesky coworkers you avoided by calling in sick for the day.

9. SkyTrain pub crawl ~ Just hop on any skytrain and vow to have one drink at the nearest pub to each stop. I have heard that the Canada Line is ideal for this as you end at the Casino in Richmond and the airport. Not bad Translink, not bad at all.

8. El Furniture (a.k.a. The Warehouse) ~ Located on Granville street you can enjoy people watching but avoid Saturday night Bridge and Tunnel STDs by getting daysted at this old standby. Although not as packed as she once was, this place still gets the job done and for $4.00 you can eat, therefore prolonging your festivities.

7. Your friends livingroom/deck ~ It happens. This is a fuckin expensive place to live and if you aren't broke, your buddy is.  NOTE: If you know the man that goes by the name "Ladies man" I recommend his place. He has a fooseball table.

6. Kayaking at English Bay ~ Thought this does burn some calories and cost a bit more than the usual daysted experience, your costs are offset by the 6 pack you purchased a few blocks up on Denman and stashed in your backpack. Late spring to end of summer you can kayak down at English Bay and the dudes in there really don't care what you do. They may even go home with you after. Just sayin, it's been known to happen.

5. No. 5 Orange ~ The girls are there as we speak, ready to spread their legs and convince you it's Friday night....and charge you 7.00 for a beer. Pre-drinks are necessary.

4. Local/ Kingshead ~ These two little Kits Beach pubs are fantastic for day drinks. The servers are hotter at Local but you feel a bit more cozy crammed into the little nooks and crannies that make up the Kingshead.

3. Downtown Eastside Pubcrawl ~ Cambie, Funky Winker Beans, the Met, Astoria....and the list goes on. Being amidst the riffraff of East Hastings has it's obvious perks. Beside the cheap BJs you naturally appear completely sober in comparison to the surrounding environment.

2. Wreck Beach ~ This might have topped the list if it weren't only a summer option. Start off with a little exercise down the steps and lock yourself into a day of drinks, guilty perving behind those shades, and admitting to your friends that you pee in the ocean (it is worse to admit you go to the outhouses). More entertainment and drink/drug options than you could shake a flacid penis at.

1. The Cambie ~ Always cheap and always fun. The clientele makes you feel completely at ease and as if you are on vacation too. The random music and completely diverse crowd makes it a total wild card but always an option at any time of day or night. I can't think of anyone who hates this place.

Honourable Mention: any place is acceptable if it includes champagne.

Cavalia

I had the opportunity to check out "the best show" apparently Jay Leno has ever seen, and let me tell you... It wasn't so great. Although saying that is unfair, I did enjoy parts of Cavalia and some of the stunts the humans pulled off were almost jaw dropping. The horses were pretty neat too.

The show is targeted toward rich families with a barn full of horses and expensive acreage, or if they lack the acreage they pay someone in Southlands a fuckload of cash to have their horse sleep, shit and eat there. You might think since I'm not a horse person or fan that I'm not allowed to have an opinion about Cavalia and to that I say - Fuck You.

I was borderline sleeping for the first half of the show. Seriously my eyelids felt like they weighed a million pounds and it was hard to keep my head from doing the sleep nod. I vaguely recall some solo bits with a girl and extremely slow dramatic music, which only added to my boredom. Then came the 20 minute intermission which allowed me to wake up via communicating with people around me. The second half of the show was actually entertaining. Although at one point I was confused why people were clapping since all I saw was a man on a horse walking slowly in circles. Apparently he was doing "fancy footwork" to me it looked like the horse was partially retarded. Wow, your horse can walk sideways, feed it another apple you fucking hipster.

The highlight was seeing the entertainers ride two horses in tandem, while this was impressive enough they even took it to the next level by jumping the horses over things. Although jumping over objects wasn't a horse doing flips or walking a tight-rope like I expected it was still pretty sweet. The music was pretty kick-ass too and would I suggest someone check out the soundtrack. Would I spend $100 to see Cavalia? No.

The Red Wagon Cafe

Last Sunday we checked out this restaurant on Hastings near Nanaimo. At first I thought it would be classic Hipster scene with the hoard of chicks with no make-up and overpriveleged babies with staring problems. However, the waitress let us stand inside while we waited for a seat (10-15 mins) and even brought us coffee with shit in it (ie. sugar, cream). Most hipster places would just give you a look, a sigh, and an expression of some sort. The staff was nice and the menu was a bit different. Of note: Pulled Pork Pancakes WWHHHHAAAAATTT??!  It's true. and that Mexican shit with yummy soggy saucy tortilla chips and eggs and all that on top. I think it's called Chilliquillades or something.
Anyways, when we got to sit we got our food which was all good. I even ordered a few extra pancakes cause I eat what I want. They had bananas in them and were spectacular.
Once we got to eating I realized that what once was very accommodating proved to be a taste of my own medicine. All the people waiting for tables were crammed in and the cold air from the door gushed into my personal space. Grrrr. Asses pressed in about 1/2 a foot from my pancakes.
But whatever, we finished and it was tasty and I would go back.